the road

am i really someone? am i. in the length of the day i find no time to contemplate my actions. i only feel pressed to continue, to march, to grin and bear. i think of my ultra talented and richly deep friends who i must admit i feel naked in the presence of and i wonder who they think i am that they would see me as a moment to spend. i think of the success in their lives and how i don't feel so sure that there is anything less than survival in my past. no real leaps or bounds, just hanging on for dear life hoping to make it to the next test of my will. my three babies are not my success but the beauty of creation and evidence of the use of my vessel, they are beautiful without me. my marriage although long and full is nothing more than what time has given us to do together. all of this loss, all of this gain, and not an ounce aware of what it has all been for; where is it going?