a moment.

i've been alive for nearly 35 years. today is a day that stands out so crazy for me. i am blessed to be a person working a full time job. in this job i meet so many people so many ways and i either connect for work or otherwise, rarely otherwise. in my place, there was a man, a beautiful man. a lovely man. and he was married to an equally lovely woman. they lived here in the united states for so long, and they were not here illegally, they came the way one ought to, with integrity and hard work. one day they were told that it was time for them to go home and renew their paperwork. our government didn't give them any time frame, there was no, "see you when you get back" there was only a barbq where we hugged them and loved them for the last time we would see them until whenever was. the day of our good bye, the going away party was at boom island in minneapolis, i drove back and forth and back and forth and finally asked for directions to a place i have been to at least a handful of times. for a number of reasons, almost all of which i remember distinctly. i arrived at the end of the party, when all the food was gone, when all of the people had given them the love they deserved. within minutes the wind began to howl and blow rain in every direction. i was pregnant with my third child and my two eldest children then 2 and 4 sat in the car chatting about the wind they had never seen before. there he was, the man, and although i was late and the loving was done, he was still pleased to see me and welcomed me with a hug, close by was his lovely wife and their baby girl. she smiled and offered me the same love her husband had just blessed me with...the wind got worse and the sirens began to blow, tornado sirens. we decided that we should leave, and loving as they were, they invited me to follow them to the shelter they would seek. we ended up in a parking garage near her brother's office. the children jumped rope and they sang songs with their baby as the rain poured in earshot. not long after we arrived her brother greeted us and they, without pause, made sure my children were safe behind me as we walked up to the office. it felt warm, in comfort way, in a family way. the storm ended and after a couple of hours of just being together, their family and mine, it was time to go. how could i know, how could anyone know? in nearly a year to the date, she was gone. she was never to be seen by us again. she would die and the universe would stab him in the wound of his grieving heart, not once, but twice. she was gone, the baby, living, trying to live within her womb, was gone.
i have seen a lot of pain in these 35 years, but i really can't remember the last time someone else's grieved me so. haunted me. broke me.
all i can do is look at my children and wish, SPEAK, that i will see them old and they will see me old and we will love and live long together, and pray that the universe is willing to grant us such a selfish wish. my mother was so young when we put her in the ground and i spend my empty moments trying to think away the possibility that my children could all be without me at any moment or i without one or all of them. it's a constant battle in my brain to live in the moment and not in the fear of loss.
then something so unbelievably sad happens to someone so undeserving. some ones so good and loving. two people, three, for there is a baby who is wrenching for her mother, kicked in the knees and spit on by fate. how? why?
i can only wish that any day now, i can stop the sadness in my eyes and the emptiness of misunderstanding in my gut.
energy only changes form, it does not die, i hope.
and a final fuck you to jenny from the block and the other quitter who would be her husband. there are those in real love, who will never recover from their loss of love, who don't have the luxury of stopping the attachment, or the connectedness that comes with sharing a life and a commitment. there are those who will spend the rest of their lives longing for the one who left too soon. ones who were in love and ripped apart not by a life lived in the public but one private and in the eyes of one another, on quiet nights when no one else could see them and they didn't care if anyone noticed or not.
this is a tragic love story. one that will keep mine in check. one that will make me always remember to kiss my babies good night and tell my husband i love him.
thank you lovers. thank you friends. your pain will not be in vain, i will use it like sacred salt flavoring the richness of the love in my life.
thank you.